Are you looking for some funny quotes and status for Facebook that will make your friends laugh? If so, then you’ve come to the right place! Here, we have gathered 110+ Funny Facebook Status and Quotes that are sure to get you some likes. Whether you’re looking for a classic one-liner, a punny joke, or a witty observation, you’re sure to find something here to make your friends smile. So, let’s get started with these funny quotes and statuses for Facebook!
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Funny Facebook Status and Quotes
- I’m sorry that I’m not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse.
- I don’t have the prettiest face for you to see or the skinniest waist for you to hold. But I do have the biggest heart to love you with.
- Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
- I’m wondering why logging onto Facebook has become a part of the everyday routine?… Do I really have nothing better to do!
- Quitting Facebook is the new adult version of running away from home. We all know you’re doing it for attention and we all know that you’ll be back!
- Oh, you’re popular on Facebook? That’s cool. I mean, these days it’s easy to have 1,500 friends that you’ve never met before.
- I’m going to invent a new pill called Niagra that stops erections. The slogan will be: “Viagra Rises, Niagra Falls!
- Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!
- I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
- I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
- I hate it when my body decides to get sick. I gave you a vegetable last week, how dare you.
- My relationship is like an iPad. I don’t have an iPad.
- A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
- Single is not a status. It is a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.
- I was s*exually harassed at work by my boss. But I don’t really mind. I’m self-employed.
- I’ve gone out to find myself. If I should arrive before I get back, please ask me to wait.
- They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.
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- According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is Nutella.
- I’d rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook.
- Sometimes I drink water – just to surprise my liver.
- You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death.
- Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
- If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
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Short Funny Facebook Status and Quotes
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- Sometimes I wish life was like facebook, you can delete anyone off your page and go back and delete everything you have said and done!
- The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.
- It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
- The kids next door challenged me to a water balloon fight. I’m just updating my status while waiting for the water to boil.
- First rule of Sundays: If you can’t reach it from your couch, you don’t need it.
- Roses are red, Facebook is blue, No mutual friends, Who the hell are you?
- Come over to the dark side…we’ve got candy.
- When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.
- People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane until we invented smartphones and social media.
- I made my Facebook name “Benefits,” so when you add me now it says “you’re friends with benefits.”
- What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.
- My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.
- The Poke option is okay, but when is Facebook going to come out with a Punch option?
- A broad smile is a cooler way of showing your enemies that you have teeth.
- Adding you as my friend doesn’t mean I like you, I did it just to increase my friend list.
- Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone’s bathroom looks like!
- If my life was an action movie, my boss would be the spy trying to sabotage my mission, and my mission would be going on Facebook.
- If I don’t log into Facebook two days in a row, call the police, someone must’ve kidnapped me!
- If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 minutes.
- As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.
- That awkward moment when you change your Facebook status to “Single” and your ex likes it.
- If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
- Some people need to realize that Facebook is a social network, not a diary.
- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have the film.
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Intelligent funny Facebook status quotes
- I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
- If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer…
- You don’t have to like me, I’m not a Facebook status.
- Your intelligence is my common sense.
- Travel the world until your Facebook’s check-ins finished!
- My ex-girlfriend’s status said suicidal and standing on the edge. So I poked her.
- I won’t block you or delete you. I’m keeping you there so you will be able to see how happy I am without you.
- I say, anyone can catch your eye but it takes someone special like me to catch your heart.
- If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt, and preservatives, don’t open it. It’s spam.
- 9 out of 10 voices in my head say that I’m crazy. The tenth is humming.
- Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
- Facebook is like the prison, you write on walls and get poked by people you don’t know.
- I’m going to open a new Facebook account named ‘Anonymous’ so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!
- I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Got a problem with me? Solve it. Think I’m tripping? Tie my shoes. Can’t stand me? Sit back down. Can’t face me? Turn around.
- Long time ago I used to have a life until someone told me to create a Facebook account.
- If your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” then you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single”.
- This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.
- I’ve officially been diagnosed with OFCD (Obsessive Facebook Checking Disorder). I have also been told that I am beyond cure. Please pray for me.
- Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
- My neighbors were yelling so loud at their kids to clean up their room that out of fear even I started cleaning my room.
- If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?
- I’d really post your name here every minute if Facebook keeps on asking me what’s on my mind.
- I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
- Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.
- The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.
Funny status for Facebook that everyone will like
- Weather forecast for tonight: Dark with a chance of tomorrow in the morning.
- I know what you’re doing right now… You’re reading on my wall, Right!
- Save a boyfriend for a rainy day – and another, in case it doesn’t rain.
- An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
- I think I’m gonna take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower but with me in it.
- If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
- Who needs television when you have so much drama on Facebook.
- Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.
- I’m jealous of my parents, I’ll never have a kid as cool as them.
- In modern politics, even the leader of the free world needs help from the sultan of Facebookistan.
- I always take life with a grain of salt …plus a slice of lemon …and a shot of tequila.
- Kiss me and you will see how important I am.
- I want to make my name on Facebook ‘Nobody’. So when I see someone post something stupid I can like it, and it will say ‘Nobody Likes This’.
- Need something cool to say because you just slipped and fell? “Yep, gravity still works!”
- If you send me a friend request on Facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you’re a transformer.
- I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven’t pooped it out yet. I’m really scared, you guys.
- If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to the height of your ego and jump down to your IQ level.
- Never challenge a guy to an arm-wrestling match who’s been single for more than 6 months.
- Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
- The only reason why 30 guys liked your picture is that they can see right down your shirt.
- Alcohol doesn’t solve any problem, but neither does milk.
- Facebook is kind of like a prison. You spend all day staring at walls and getting poked by people you don’t know.
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Funny Facebook statuses that will get comments
- Delete me, Poke me, Like me, Limit me … The choice is yours … Welcome to Facebook, where no one is really your friend.
- Nerd flirting: I wish I could select all of your clothes and press delete.
- I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a “cell” phone.
- I turned my phone on airplane mode and threw it in the air. Worst transformer ever.
- I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
- I might as well call you Google because you have everything that I am looking for.
- Facebook should have a “No One Cares” button.
- Stop advertising your relationship on Facebook. Not everyone wants to see you happy.
- Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
- Of course I have a talent. I’m really good in bed. Sometimes I sleep more than 9 hours in one go.
- Facebook is asking, ‘What’s on your mind?’ but I think ‘Who’s on your mind?’ is a better question.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
- Facebook is where hypocrisy, falseness, double standards, rumors, and depression meet up for coffee.
